By your gifts they shall know you

If I had a personal trainer, his Christmas this year would be less merry than he might expect.
Forgive the masculine pronoun; normally I try to be gender neutral. The fact is, though, that a personal trainer would have to see me with my shirt off, and I’m not man enough these days (more accurately, I’m too much man) to go around like that in front of a strange woman even if I've paid her first.
But I’m man enough to look any trainer in the eye and say, “Your Christmas gift is going to be smaller than you anticipate, Body-Fat Boy.”
What brings this to mind is a story I read the other day on something that's apparently a puzzle in some circles: At Christmas, how much should we give the people who do all those little services we’re too lazy to perform for ourselves, or that we may forget are done at all?
It wasn’t exactly a six-paragraph demonstration of what’s wrong with journalism today, but it was out on that edge.
In addition to personal trainers (hang on—I’ll tell you in a minute if you “gifted” yours appropriately), it included manicurists, hairdressers, teachers, pool cleaners, a regular waiter or waitress and even cops.
The idea that we owe a Christmas gift to everyone we deal with may be novel to you (it was to me), but apparently we haven’t been paying attention. This story pretty much assumes that everybody gets something, and that it will be in the form of cash. The only question is how much.
If you’re looking for a one-size-fits-all rule, here it is: the cost of one regular session of whatever they do. If you normally pay your hairdresser 50 bucks (is that ballpark? I have no idea), then this week you should duke her 50 extra, for the cause.
What cause? ‘Cause it’s Christmas. You don’t want to be thought cheap, nor to have your hair come out orange, either. Thus we’re held hostage by those who serve us.
This rule, the story said, can safely be applied to most service employees with whom you have a regular relationship. It won’t work for mail carriers, who can’t accept cash (gift cards in small amounts are OK), or with trash collectors, who “should” get $10 to $30 apiece, which means you have to stay home on trash day to count how many guys are on the truck.
Notable among the other exceptions were personal trainers, who (at least according to personal trainers) customarily get more generous remembrances.
That kind of sourcing was one of the problems with his story: To find out the usual gifts for people in various jobs, the reporter asked people in those jobs, who strike me as not necessarily impartial.
That aside, though, if you have a trainer, you may be relieved to learn that he or she will not be insulted by a gift of $100, though “some” say they’ve gotten as much as $1,000 and $400 “isn’t unusual” (just for fun, I’d like to check those people’s tax returns and see how many declared that kind of giftage as income).
Who really gets screwed, though, is teachers. As usual.
Tipping them in cash, the story said, "isn't customary." It's all right to give your trainer a C note. Your kids' teachers, though, operate under different rules.
That section of the story started fine: Rule No. 1 of teacher-gift selection, it said, is to avoid mugs or anything with an apple on it.
Good advice. My wife taught for 30 years, and when she retired, we had to haul mugs and wooden/ceramic/plastic/macramé apples away in crates. She has fond memories of many students, but we don’t need no more damn apple stuff, except pies.
Then it went bad: “Instead,” the story counseled, “consider donating a book in the teacher’s name to the school library.”
So your housekeeper, at Christmas, should get “one to three weeks’ salary” directly in her hand, while a teacher gets a book off the Special Values table at Barnes & Noble, and it goes to the library? I ran this idea by a couple of teachers, including the one with whom I share a toothbrush rack.
“It’s because we’re ‘professionals,’” she said. “We’re supposed to be in it for the kids.”
Oh, right. Like professional athletes or lawyers, except you're not allowed to go on strike.
"That's pretty much it."
People in most other businesses, though, apparently are inclined to swallow their pride and take your filthy money. Some starting points:

• Your gardener will not be offended by $50 to be split among the crew.
• The guy who cleans the pool gets the cost of one cleaning.
• Nursing homes generally prefer gifts for the whole floor, like candy or a food basket, rather than individual presents. Private nurses, who often are closer to both the patient and the family, are treated as family members and get gifts commensurate with that status.
• Mail carriers, as noted, can't take cash but can take cards, candy, stuff like that, as long as the value is less than $20.
• Retired newspaper people amusing themselves with blogs traditionally receive $200 or more in small, used bills